mental health week?

This week, I keep seeing posts about mental health week (I could totally use one of those!) and have even clicked on a couple posts to skim through...

I've seen posts for depression, anxiety, bipolar, the list goes on…

but nothing on postpartum depression.

To be fair, I don't really know much about PPD, and while I guess I'm not even sure it belongs in the category of mental illnesses, I've been surprised to see it missing from the mental health week posts.

It seems like a taboo topic and until recently, it always made me think of Susan Smith, but today, I'll let you in on how that's changed for me.

After my first awesomely perfect baby was born, life was good. Sure, I had a moment of 'I might throw this screaming baby out the window' but it was fleeting and I really was living in bliss; sweet sleep deprived bliss. Adjusting to a new normal and figuring out my new self was hard but mostly I was so thankful for my new role and life was so, so good.

After my second baby, for obvious reasons, I was down. I had the blues but didn't identify them as postpartum blues. I didn't make the connection that you could have postpartum issues when you didn't have a baby to care for. After losing a baby at 16 weeks, it didn't dawn on me that postpartum care should have been part of my self care and it wasn't until I landed in the ER that I realized it was needed (physically and mentally).

Not long after rebounding from that, we were ecstatic to be expecting sweet baby Arley. We knew right away she was a girl and the hormones were there to prove it. By this point, I wasn't really sure what 'normal' hormones were anymore and mine were all over the place.

When our sweet girl arrived, of course we were thrilled (truly, I can't imagine a moment more perfect than the first time I saw her face), but those hormones raged on.

I've been told, and from my own experience agree, girl hormones are so much harder than boy baby hormones. I've been told pregnancies soon following another are also high/hard on the hormones. So I had a lot going against me. I knew this in my mind but I'm not sure my heart and mind were working together in the months following her birth.

It wasn't until very recently that I was able to tell my husband I felt like the fog had lifted. If you've had PPD, you know that the new baby fog and 'THE fog' are so different. I'm not sure how to explain it, but let me say this- it was hard.

It was so hard. Hard and lonely.

Let me start with some symptoms. You'll find a whole list of symptoms here, but mine didn't start out as the most obvious ones. In fact, when I mentioned at my 6 week post baby check I thought I might have some PPD, they all but ignored me. Mainly, for me, it started out as not being able to sleep. I didn't feel anxious or worried, I just wasn't sleeping. Ever. Arley was sleeping five, six, then seven hour stretches and I would still get maybe 1-2 hours. Later, I felt overwhelmed. It made sense- I started back to work when she was just a couple weeks old and it was hard. I was working full-time and taking care of two babies full-time with no daycare for our newborn and very little daycare for our 3yo. It was overwhelming but for obvious reasons. That lead to anger/irritability.  Time was not something I felt like I had a lot of and my husband couldn't help out fast enough and my 3yo couldn't listen well enough. My expectations were unrealistically high and when they didn't get met, I was unreasonable in my response. (Maybe a post for another day but we won't even mention my new fondness for the 'f word' during this stage. I really didn't recognize myself at this point.) From there I spiraled into the other symptoms and really felt alone in my sorrow. It took a few months for the cycle to work it's way through so I think that was another reason I didn't recognize it as PPD at first.

Once I (finally) recognized it, I would casually mention it in conversation. (I should maybe back up here and mention I was rarely seeing people during this time. My new normal was crazy and with a crazy schedule and a mean disposition, my social life wasn't exactly 'hopping.')  So when I would casually mention it I would get one of two responses.

1.) "Ohmygosh, me too. I totally get it. I….. yada yada yada…. fill in the blank with typical baby blues responses." …...They didn't really get it. They got baby blues. They got the new mom thing. But they didn't get the PPD. They didn't understand the depths of it and by brushing it off made me feel unheard.

or…

2.) ……. awkward silence…. weird stares….. bumpy transition into any topic more pleasant, say... diaper blowouts or hemorrhoids.

The second group of people I assumed were about to call the cops on me and warn them of a possible Susan Smith situation.

Conversation about hemorrhoids it is.

So. All that to say. I don't really have any insight for you. I wish I could tell you I got help and was able to come out of it. I wish I could tell you how to do that for yourself. But I can't. I wasn't brave enough to ask. (Well after the awkward stare from the medical professional at my 6 week check, I wasn't brave enough to ask…) I waited. For 7ish long months, I waited. Eventually my hormones leveled out and the fog lifted. And I have been able to speak candidly about it with sweet mamas since. I've since found two soul sisters that know exactly what I'm talking about and with their sweet encouragement, I'm going to beg of you this….

If you have a mama friend reaching out for help- be there. Listen to them. Ask them how they are doing. Check in with them. If you have a mama friend with a new baby and she's not reaching out for help, do all that same stuff. She may need you. And she may not even know it.

And if you are the mama friend needing help- ask for it. Tell someone. Tell your husband. Tell your friend. Tell your doctor. Tell a counselor. If they ignore you, tell someone else. Don't ignore your gut feelings and wait it out. Don't regret missing sweet moments of your baby's first months. Get what you need and get on with your beautiful life.

Because you can do it. And your sweet baby needs you to.