Promises on Mother's Day

Mother's Day is coming up and I'm so incredibly thankful and blessed to get to be B's mom. I'm so grateful to be able to look forward to spending the day with my little guy. 

But it wasn't always a holiday I looked forward to and I know it's a holiday that's tough for so many of my friends right now.

Friends that are in waiting, here is my mother's day gift to you. 

I do promise all of those things to you.

And I think you should know that the sacrifices you've already made and the hours you've spent on your knees praying for your future little one already make you a wonderful mother.

I love ya!

Today It Clicked

Today it clicked for me. That bigger picture that I'm always thinking about got a few more pieces of the puzzle put in and it. just. clicked. I know I'm not going to do God's story justice here but here's a quick review....

LOTS of things had been happening where I worked that made me feel like I was not where I was supposed to be. Some doors in my life were closing and others were opening and they all pointed to me changing my life direction for a time. I said no. And no. And no again. I kept telling God 'no' because I had ALWAYS wanted to be a teacher and I had the perfect teaching set up. I loved my curriculum, my classroom and my kids. It was the only thing in my life I ever felt like I was really good at- I would have been so stupid to walk away from it. As much as I told God 'no,' He patiently kept telling me 'yes.' In February, I compromised and requested a leave of absence for the following school year. It was granted.

Meanwhile, R&I had been wanting babies. Lots of them but we decided we would be happy with just a few if that was God's plan for us. Previous medical history did not bode well with this plan but we were both wanting to adopt anyway so we were okay with that. We sought adoption but the doors kept closing. Upon R's request, I reluctantly went to the Dr. But I told him 'no' as well. 'No, I wasn't going to have fertility treatment.' 'No, I don't want your medicine or procedures.' I just wanted to know what was physically (not reproductively speaking- I had just been feeling 'off' for 10 years) wrong with me. He diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and put me on a pill that cost $1.20 a month. I saw a chiropractor for the first time in my life and she informed me that I was (literally) out of line (everywhere). After years of wanting to be parents, we were pregnant within a matter of weeks.

In fact, remember that leave at work I had requested? I only requested it because God stopped allowing me to say no. We were pregnant at the time but didn't know it. (Oh but God did.) In fact, I probably wouldn't have taken it had we known we were pregnant because, as I'm sure you know, babies are expensive and then they grow up to be expensive kids. 'We wouldn't be able to afford to have a baby on R's income alone.' Surely God knew that.

Over the summer, Baby H kept growing and I kept working. We had a scare in early July. I remember being admitted into the birthing unit and asking God 'Why are we here? What is the purpose of this happening right now?' I. just. didn't. get. it.

School started. It was tough. Really tough. I had anticipated being sad and missing the kids (that laugh at all my jokes and make me feel so needed). I did not anticipate feeling so down on myself. I felt like I was not contributing anything to society by cleaning my kitchen and editing people's pictures. I didn't feel like I was making a difference and immediately decided there was no way I could stay home. I questioned God's will even though we had prayed about this scenario for years.

In just a few short days, God was out to hit me over the head again show me that I could do it. First, He sent me a series of emails using some amazing clients (new friends, really) of mine to tell me what a blessing I was to them. Who knew that was even possible in a 45 minute photo session?

Then, as we were sitting at a routine prenatal appointment, our Dr's generally cheerful demeanor changed. She got real serious and started talking to us about preeclampsia. She told us the complications of it, especially with onset before 32 weeks. Several hours of testing and another Mercy admit wrist band to add to my collection later, and what she suspected was confirmed.

As I talked to the Dr this morning, I wasn't sad or scared about the outlook one bit. Instead, I had an 'a ha' moment. And God was smiling down on me saying, 'See child, I told you so.'

'I told you you wouldn't go to work this year. I told you your job was at home for this season. I told you this summer to slow down. I told you My timing is perfect.'

'My timing is perfect.'

And this slow learner is seeing a little bit more of that big picture today and feeling so blessed.

So blessed indeed.

google images

Emails from God

After my previously busy week, I finally had some time to catch up on some blogs. As I did, a certain blog link kept catching my eye from the sidebar of several blogs I read.

Funny because I hadn't remembered ever noticing that blog before.

At one point, I actually clicked onto the link, skimmed through the first post, saw the word infertility and clicked the little red x.

Not more than 10 minutes later I got an email from God (well it had a different name as the sender but I'm sure it was from Him). Urging me to go read that post.

So I did.

You might want to as well.

She puts into words my feelings of not being good enough. Of not getting that girl scout badge.

I'm also linking to the article she links to. This article talks about what to be to a couple facing that cross. I'm posting this here not for my friends but because I know there are a lot of people that read this blog facing that same cross and it may be helpful to them.

I would add to the article some of the gifts my friends have shared with me that have been a blessing. The text that simply says, "Stay Hopeful," the email "just checking in" and the countless hugs.

This life is not what I expected it to be. Yet, this life is blessed.

Journey

I strongly considered using Journey as my word of the year. It seems like we've been on several 'journeys' lately. Recently, I received an email with subject: The Journey. (I'll paste it below) Over the past few years we've been through all of the listed steps. The hardest part, for me is being in a good spot then feeling like I'm slipping back into a part of the journey that I've already been and don't want to go back to.

I love the verse listed at the end. I have a necklace with that verse on it that I wear around my neck. (I originally had made the necklace for Ang a long time ago- ultimately I kept it for myself and made her one that said SOAR instead but from the same verse. Speaking of Ang, it's her birthday tomorrow. Will you pray with me that they tell her SHE CAN BRING BABY KYLIE HOME? What a birthday present that would be!)

I realize that was a little garrulous but I hope you are all seeing the joy today- not matter what step of your journey you are at!

THE JOURNEY
By Sylvia Van Regenmorter

Infertility is an emotional journey and, before it is over, you will experience every emotion known to humans. Where are you in this journey? Ask your spouse this evening where he or she is and where he or she would place you.

There’s nothing wrong.
The journey begins in a hazy fog. You have been married for a year or more and no children have come. In the back of your mind, you begin to wonder why you haven’t become pregnant, but there is no worry. Perhaps if you and your husband were able to get away for a few weekends…or if you felt rested enough to make love more often…or if…

There’s something wrong. Now what?
You continue in the fog until slowly, gradually, it begins to lift and you realize something is wrong. You should have become pregnant by now. Each month you hope for the best, but each month you are disappointed. You laugh it off when asked when you are going to start a family. "Why get tied down so early?" you respond. "We need to enjoy life first." For all of the outward lightheartedness, you are becoming increasingly worried. What is wrong?

It is something minor.
The fog is lifting now, and you are ready to acknowledge that you have a problem. This is an important milepost on the journey. You carefully select a doctor and make an appointment–confident that you will find help. As far as you are concerned, there is no need to pack for a long and trying trip–just an overnight bag will do. Why, in no time you will become pregnant, and the journey will be over!

Shock
Suddenly, you fall off a cliff that you hadn’t seen. You hit the bottom with a soul-jarring thud. Your physician has discovered that there is something seriously wrong with you or your spouse. You are surprised. "Doctor," you say, "you’ve got to be kidding." But the doctor is not smiling.

Shock is often the shortest stop on the journey. Soon you climb back up on the cliff and, though bruised, you are unbowed.

Denial and Anger
With renewed energy and determination, you plunge ahead. You do not realize that you have begun to blindly stumble down the path of denial. You convince yourself that the doctor must have gotten the wrong test results. You assure yourself by saying, "God would never deny us children."

You do not travel very far on the path of denial before you stumble over a sharp rock on your path—the rock of anger. You may become angry at your physician: "My doctor is so cold and so costly." Your anger may leap out at your spouse: "Why don’t you understand what I am feeling?" You may become angry at yourself: "It is stupid for me to get this upset!" Your anger may even be directed at God.

Guilt and Depression
Anger does not usually last long. Before you know it, you have fallen down an embankment into the valley of guilt. If only I hadn’t used birth control…If only I had been a better Christian.

At the valley floor you encounter depression, which appears in many forms. You may simply have a dragged-out feeling or feel unattractive and unloved. You may lose all of your desire for sex or neglect your appearance. For some it is very important to seek support–perhaps even professional counseling. I was part of an eight-week support group with four other couples. It was so helpful to freely share my thoughts, fears, and pain with others who understood.

Isolation
The worst part about being at the bottom is that you feel so alone. You cry out, "Are you walking with me, Jesus?" but there is no answer. Even your spouse does not seem to be walking by your side. The sun is blazing down on you now as you walk the lonely trail. You are becoming weary and tired–oh, so tired! You endure tests and more tests and maybe even try the latest (and most expensive) techniques while on your journey to have a baby but with no success!

Grief
The most difficult part of the journey is through the river of grief. You begin to traverse these raging waters when you realize that you may never have a biological baby. You grieve over this thought. You grieve the loss of your hopes and aspirations. You mourn the child you may never have. In this time of sadness, there is no body…no memorial service…no group of friends to offer their condolences.

Recovery
After you have grieved and mourned, you continue the journey. You are now on the way to recovery. It begins when you take positive action and look forward to the future. The energy that you once put into your grief, you now devote to new projects and new beginnings. The room you had kept for the baby you redecorate as a den. You begin to cultivate what is fertile in your life–a musical talent, a career you had put on hold, a desire to learn more about an interest you have.

Acceptance and Peace
Finally, you reach the end of your journey. Now you are home. You have reached a sense of God-given peace and acceptance. If God should surprise you with a child, you will praise His Holy name. And please remember that He often surprises His people in ways they never could have imagined! But if He doesn’t, it will be okay. There may be times when you backtrack for a while and retrace the steps of sadness and loss you visited before. But for the most part, you are able to say…and mean:

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:29-31 NIV

Perspective

As I'm reading facebook statuses of what everyone is looking forward to in 2011, it strikes me as funny how perspective is so different. I lost track of the number of statuses that were looking forward to not being pregnant in 2011. After reading the first one I felt a little sting; after reading the 20th+ one I had to laugh. Perspective.

When I say, "Wow, you are so big- you look great!" to a pregnant friend, she may hear, "Wow, you look like a whale." when what I mean is, "Wow, you have been busy growing a baby, that's amazing and you really do look great. Pregnant women everywhere are jealous of how good you look and I'm jealous that you have that magic superpower that I don't have." Perspective.

When people say to me, "Your time will come" "You'll make a great mom" You are so lucky to not have to deal with kids right now" and I hurt, I really need to remember they mean, "I really believe your time is coming" "You'll make a great mom" and.... well, I'm not sure what they mean by that last one.... Perspective.

I upset a few people with my post about "Please don't tell me." People told me it wasn't fair for me to say that and that I'm shutting people out by being so sensitive. For the most part I didn't respond to those people (and if you're reading this post, waiting for a response to that, consider this my apology for ignoring you). But I have to disagree. For me, that post opened a lot of lines of communication and I've talked to so many women about the very issue. What I realized from all of it is that it's okay for my feelings to be hurt by some of those things- that's human nature. But when I was so focused on how sad those things made me, what I really need to be focused on is the heart behind the person saying those things. When someone gives you unsolicited advice, I really do believe they think they are trying to help. When someone tells you how good you look, they surely mean it. When someone tells you how great you are, they do love you.

So I've been thinking about this perspective thing a lot. The other night, a friend was here with her three kids. I was having a pow wow with the youngest and she said to me what a great mother I'll be. I know you're expecting me to tell you how bad it hurt to hear that- but it didn't. It felt good. For the first time- I believed it.

Perspective.

Here's to a new year with a fresh, new perspective. Happy 2011!

You Should Know

You should know.....

If you are a friend, if you say it in love, if you care,

and you've said something you think may have been hurtful,

what matters most isn't what you say

it's where your heart is.

Knowing that you care

is more important

than having the right words.

Being a friend.

a prayer warrior.

a shoulder.

there.

Is more important

than what you say.

than having answers.

And I love you for that.

This Cross

I'm home today. Again. I've had people question it. And while I don't feel the need to defend myself to them, I do feel like talking (well not really, but I feel like Someone is tugging at me to).

I've missed for a lot of reasons. Migraines. Bronchitis. Sinus infection. Autoimmune issues. Scheduling a tonsillectomy. Infertility.

Did you catch that? I tried to slip it in, hoping it might go unnoticed. I've been trying to do that for awhile now. But Someone keeps telling me He's given me this blog outlet for a reason and that maybe it's time I use it to support someone else. I don't know who that someone else is. It seems like everyone I know is perfectly fertile. (That's not true and to my dear friends that are struggling- I love you. I get it. I do. And I'm guessing you feel the same way about "everyone" sometimes.)

So. There it is. It's out there. You are welcome to stop reading now.

But.

But if you want to know how I really feel (and it's ugly). Go right ahead. But you cant say I didn't warn you to proceed with caution.

Please don't tell me that it will happen in God's time. I know God has perfect timing. And perfect plans. But I don't believe His perfect plans are the same for everyone. How can you know what God's perfect plan for my life is?

Please don't tell me what a great mother I would be. Please don't tell me what a great dad R would be. I'd like to think that's true. But since my body feels the need to kill off any chance of a baby, I already feel like a terrible mother. And if we never get that chance- that hurts to think about. It hurts when I'm working with kids and they call me mom. It hurts when my niece is playing and calls me mom. It hurts when you tell me I'd be a good mom. It hurts.

Please don't tell me to just adopt. "Just" adopt? Really? Have you looked into it? Do you know anything about it? Have you been told that you aren't going to be able to get a loan for it? Adoption has been on my heart since I was little. I've always wanted to adopt. Then reality hit and the truth is it's hard. But let's make a deal. You can tell me to "just" adopt then R and I will work through the emotional, heartbreaking end of it and you can work out the $30,000 end of it. Thanks.

Please forgive me when I cry as you complain about your pregnancy. And your bratty kids. And what a pain your pregnancy and bratty kids are. I hope that someday I get it.

I got an email from my MIL this week. I deleted it so this is going to be a (probably really bad) version of it. But it was something like this.....

This guy was bearing a huge cross. It was so heavy so he pleaded with God to make his load lighter to bear. He kept sawing his cross down shorter and shorter. Then, he got to a canyon. The people with him on the journey were able to lay their heavy crosses down across the canyon and use them as a bridge to get over that part of the journey. His cross was just too short.

I look at that and think there must be a reason God wants me in this place in my life. And I know He is preparing me for something big.

My friend and I were just talking about how it feels like we're being punished. I know God doesn't work that way. But. Then I read in His Word about what a blessing from God children are. It's hard not to feel punished.

So there it is. That's the ugly.

But you should know it hasn't always been ugly. The last three years have been a roller coaster. There are days when I've honestly talked to God and have been okay with it. I've told Him to ruin me. To break me. To carry out His Will in my life. I guess he was listening then because He's been working overtime since. You would think He'd take a break when I was crying in the middle of the mall. He didn't.

Surely He's preparing me for something BIG.