no tricks, just treats

We're big fans of beggar's night. B started planning this year's costume months in advance, telling everyone he was going to be 'tic toc croc.' Ten minutes before it was time to put the costume on he decides he wants to be Jake (from the Neverland Pirates) instead and definitely doesn't want to wear the croc head. What the what!? It didn't take long to convince him trick or treating = a tic toc croc costume and the hat could be optional. You'll be able to tell below, he (mostly) opted out of it. Even though I took him out for real pics (thankfully) before actual trick or treat night, I tried to get a couple before heading down the street. I asked him to stand nicely and he turned his (Easter basket/Halloween) bucket upside down and started singing 'Happy Birthday.' He also wore it as a hat and danced around the yard laughing at himself before I could finally convince him to give me a shot so we could leave. We love that the firefighters hang out in the neighborhood passing out glow bracelets. They started at our house this year and B couldn't have been more thrilled! (Fun fact about the fireman giving B his bracelet…. I had him as a middle schooler back in 04-05 and he's related to cousin Mo.) (04-04? Again. What the what?!) B carefully chose the houses he wanted to go to. First stop was his little buddy that he misses! Once he got the hang of it, he was toolin' down the street ready to roll! The houses he picked to stop at was a short list. Five houses later and we were home (to hand out our own treats) with a nearly full bucket of candy (and crackers, fruit snacks, markers, stickers, play dough, bracelets, etc.). He was super spoiled. I'd say he chose the right five stops. :) He also got a super special goodie bag from one awesome neighbor and then when 8pm rolled around (the official end time), we crashed one more house where we got honey crisps and more awesome treats. Best stop yet. ;) 

Random Facts:

B was most guessed as: a dragon.

Most popular girls costume we saw: Elsa (of course)

Most popular boys costume we saw: Uhhhhh bloody, crazy, weird people(?)

Other popular costumes we saw: Monsters, bumble bees, bow bearing characters (Katniss, Robin Hood, etc.)

(My) Favorite kids costume: Toaster Strudel Boy or League of Their Own player

(My) Favorite adult costume we saw: Dan Wardell (I think it's his twin!) ;)

B's Favorite Treat: Play doh (and the glow bracelet- that one wins every year)

% of Thank Yous: I didn't keep track this year but it was high. Way higher than most years.

% of Middle Schoolers not wearing costumes but trick or treating anyway: Way lower than most years (maybe why the thank you % was higher?). (I'm all for middle school kids being kids and enjoying beggars night but for the love of candy… at least make an effort for a costume). ;)

What I Miss Most about 'My' Halloweens: Grandma's popcorn balls

All in all, another beggars night approved by the H family. 

Real (who am I kidding… the ones seen here are most definitely the more 'real' of the bunch…) costume pics posting to the cbh page shortly. :)

Happy Halloween! 

the hardest thing

Recently, while talking to a friend about pregnancy after loss, she asked, 'what is the hardest thing?'

The hardest thing.

The hardest thing was the fear that gripped me two minutes after the positive pregnancy test.

The hardest thing was learning to trust God. Again.

The hardest thing was not even being able to bring myself to look at baby girl's first and second set of ultrasound pictures. And having no idea where they are now.

The hardest thing was telling people.

The hardest thing was being labeled 'high risk- multi miscarriages + 2nd tri miscarriage.'

The hardest thing is watching people I love lose their precious babies. And knowing.

The hardest thing is feeling betrayed by my own body and not trusting it. To not marvel at the miracle it is working right now.

The hardest thing is sitting in the OB waiting room surrounded by happy pregnant people with no worry about what their appointment might bring. Every time.

The hardest thing is listening to people due around the same time as me make plans and talk about the future…. while I'm too afraid to.

The hardest thing is the guilt I feel about not planning for her future or not being excited or enjoying every moment of my pregnancy with her.

The hardest thing is watching a two year old boy grow closer and closer to his sister every day, already loving and protecting her fiercely, and just begging God to let him meet her.

The hardest thing is the battle of faith and fear inside my heart.

The hardest thing is learning to trust God. Again.

And again.


Learning to trust that all He has for me is good. Even when it hurts, even when it's ugly, even when it doesn't look good at all- ALL He has for me is good.

He's been working this lesson in my heart for some time now and reminding me to lean into Him when I can't do it on my own.

He teaches us that all our days our numbered. Whether we get to keep our babies just 16 weeks in our womb, just a few short years this side of heaven, or if we get to watch them grow up and grow old- all of our days are numbered. No matter how long or short that number, as much as I love my sweet babies, He loves them even more.

When my now two year old was a newborn, I worried so much, so much, about SIDS. We had waited so long for that sweet boy and I had a hard time trusting that God would let me keep him. One day I realized once I stopped worrying about SIDS, I would be worrying about furniture falling on him, a car running him over, middle schoolers hurting his feelings, him behind the steering wheel, him going off to college, etc, etc, etc. The list of worries never ends as our children grow older. We can add to them and multiply them times infinity if we want to. But the worry won't change the fact that God has got this. And God is trustworthy. And God is good.

The hardest thing… no…. the thing is, I'm learning to let go of the fear and learning to trust God. Again.


'Faith is not about what I believe God is going to do for me to change my circumstances. It is about what I believe about God, in spite of my circumstances.' God is good. When He gave us our precious son, He was good. When He cares for our babies in Heaven, He is good. When He gifted us with hope again in our sweet baby girl, He is good.

The hardest thing…. The thing is…. I'm putting my faith and trust in Him.

cousins

We've been running around like crazy for the last (I lost track of how many...) days. We just got home from a long weekend. The two year old is checking the dog's teeth, declaring them to be stinky. And I have a ton of stuff I should be doing. But I'd really like to just put my feet up. That said. If I don't post these pics now, I'm not sure when I'll get to it. Thus the 'awesome' post coming your way. A weekend full of cousins is always a good weekend. Happy (what day is it again?) Sunday?


It's all boy cousins on daddy's side. These cool dudes were all dressed up for papa's wedding. (Yep, we totally forgot to get B's haircut for the occasion. We're awesome like that.)

B has a new baby girl cousin on mommy's side. He was pretty smitten with Clara. His aunt tried to ask him what his sisters name was and I told him to say it's a secret. When we got home he wanted to know if her name was still (fill in the blank with her name) or if it was 'Secret.' Poor kid was so confused. :) He declared Baby Clara was a very nice baby and he really, really liked her. He also noted she just went like this (pretend sleeping). He thought that was pretty okay. ;) 

Cousins pic. The girls are outnumbering the boys.

Late night random thoughts

B is at the most fun age right now. He says the most hilarious things and cracks us up several times a day. As silly as he is, he's also a thinker. As active as he is, he's also an observer. As wild as he is, he's also the sweetest, most tender hearted boy I know. Every day I wonder how we could possibly love him more and the next day we just do.

He's super into trains, trucks, planes, cars and Toy Story of Terror! (We've already watched it three times this week so we are well on our way to last years record of 1,392,673 times). We limit tv to before bedtime with daddy and sometimes before nap but a lot of days lately we've made it to the end of the day without a single screen time request (yay).

He loves to sing songs. His favorites are 'the spider song,' 'twinkle star song,' and 'little man song.' (Itsy Bitsy Spider, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Zacheus was a Wee Little Man.) He's been counting slightly more often but still only on his own accord. While he was once able to name every letter with his magnet letters, we added in some flash card letters and other letter games and the new looks of the letters have him totally confused. Turns out we shouldn't have learned letters with bubble letter shaped magnets. ;)

He loves story time, seeing his church friends and going to the orchard. He's super close to 100 parks (90 and counting). And he talks about his baby sister all the time. Today he hid under the blanket with my belly whispering to her and did not want me in on the secret. That may not be a great sign of what's to come. ;) His name ideas are donuts, apple (usable these days for sure), Mickey Mouse hicks, Donald duck hicks, Stella (his friend's baby sister's name) and Kristyn (another friend's mom's name). He has two other ideas that are actually on the list which kind of surprised me. Usually if I mention a name he says that's a dog name. :)

Speaking of baby sister, according to the app she is 6.25" long and the size of a russet potato. It's so strange to me how they compare their size to food each week and it generally just makes me hungry for food we don't have in the house. Speaking of food, I've been feeling a lot better this week and able to eat more often so that has been great.

Physically things are starting to feel a lot better. Emotionally I still have a good number of hot mess moments. I still get nervous about each appointment they are checking things on me at. My next one is next Wed if you feel like praying. We are having a hard time getting my thyroid where it needs to be and they are following up on another possible issue with me. I think the worst thing about what we went through last time is not being worried if baby will be okay but not trusting that my body will take care of baby. I really felt betrayed by my body and fight those feelings still.

It seems the enemy has enjoyed filling me with feelings of betrayal and rejection lately.

But God has more in store for me than that. As much as I've been hurt lately, we've had so much more good to thank Him for. We have some great people in our corner that are praying for and encouraging us every single day. I'm so thankful for them.

12:34. B just noticed the numbers on the ceiling from our newish clock tonight. I'm noticing them now too and well aware morning will come too soon. I'll leave the proof reading on this one up to you. Coming from the iphone, there's probably lots of mistakes for you to fix. We'll blame auto correct. ;)

Goodnight.