Let me be singing.

2013. I can't say I'm sad to see it go. There was a lot of good in '13 but a whole lot of lows. I was hard to love this year. A quick recap: I spent the first few months violently ill before having gall bladder surgery which was followed by the second dr of the year suspecting I had breast cancer only to find out those symptoms were from an early miscarriage I didn't know I had. We spent a lot of time selling things to pay off medical bills and mourned with friends going through tough times and loss. I spent 12 weeks hormonal and sick only to say goodbye to our tiny baby in the dr's office and found out the next day one of our parents has cancer. To say I've been hard to love this year would be an understatement. I've been hard to love and tough to be friends with. But somehow people keep showing up for me. People keep praying for me. And they keep blessing me. I don't get it. And I definitely don't deserve it. But I'm so blessed. I've had the song '10,000 Reasons' stuck in my head nearly all year. Particularly the part, 'let me be singing when the evening comes.' Lord, thank you for continuing to give me reasons to sing.

Give Thanks

Today, someone very wise asked me, 'God doesn't tell us to feel thanks in all things He tells us to what?' 

Crap. 

'Give.' I reluctantly whispered. 

And I was totally busted. 

So, God, I don't feel like giving thanks, but thank You. 

Thank You for the healing and refining You are going to bring to my life. 

Thank You for the peace You will wash over me and the grace You will pour out on me. 

Thank You for holding my sweet baby while I can't. 

Just thank You. 

Christmas '13

This Christmas was so different than we had expected it to be but it was good.

And this post got way longer than I expected. Proceed with caution.




B is at the most fun age right now. He is so into everything. He is curious about everything and in awe of everything awesome. Christmas was pretty magical for him his year.

It started around the end of November. We put up the tree and decorations and he was so excited about the 'kissmas yights.' Then he started seeing things about Santa Claus on tv. We hadn't actually decided what we would tell B about Santa Claus so we've just kind of let him figure it out on his own (great plan, I know) and he's pretty sure Santa is the coolest guy ever.

Leading up to Christmas, we did an Advent for the first time ever. Made some Christmas crafts. Watched some Christmas movies. Worked on the Christmas checklist.

Christmas celebrations with family:

Kansas City Christmas. This one was SO fun. Maybe the best Christmas ever. We met family from Iowa, Oklahoma and Florida in KC. We stayed at a hotel (which was super fun for the kids in itself). The kids got to hang out the entire time (including a slumber party for the older boys). We ate a big family dinner at Cheesecake Factory. We all took an open sleigh ride to look at the Christmas Lights on the Plaza (so fun!). We did lots of fun stuff for the kids (T-Rex Cafe, Legoland, Fritzs, Crown Center) and a tiny bit of shopping for the rest of us (hello, H&M). My little family left thinking this was the most fun family Christmas and definitely worth a redo!

Water park Christmas. The last few years we've met R's family at the cabins for Christmas but this year we mixed it up and met at a water park instead. B absolutely loves the water so this was right up his alley. He also got to spend a whole bunch of quarters in the arcade and he thought that was pretty awesome too. This was his second weekend in a row staying in a hotel and he was pretty much loving it. He's got the elevator button thing all figured out and is probably wondering why we don't have one of those things in our house. He got a super fun train to put around the bottom of his Christmas tree and he has played with it every day since. He loves it. The morning we were packing to come home, B asked if he could go open more presents. Oye.

Christmas in Boone. We missed this one last year with a bunch of sickness hitting our house so it was fun to get to go this year. B of course loves playing with his cousins and had so much fun with all the toys. His grandpa built him a super cool clothes rack for his room. A bunch of us played games and we got the pleasure of watching 'how to' basketball videos by R. I'll try to get those uploaded to youtube for your viewing pleasure.










Christmas Eve Service. This was the first year we did Christmas Eve service at home (usually we are at mom's for it).  I missed all the candles. And I was totally caught off guard by lyrics I had never really paid much attention to at Christmas before ('bless all the dear children in thy tender care'). And I cried a whole lot. But it was beautiful and I'm glad we went. After the service, I ran into one of my sweet friends. She lost her husband in an accident and we shared a long hug and talked about grief and loss and blessings. It sounds strange to say but it was just what I needed.

Christmas Morning. We had told B on Christmas Eve that he needed to go to bed and when he woke up we could see if Santa had come. He was standing up in his crib at 2:30 am asking about Santa (he typically sleeps till about 9 am). He maybe slept another hour before we all got up and had the most magical Christmas together. He came around the corner to see his tool bench set sitting under the tree and was SO excited about it. He played with it for quite awhile before we went through our stockings.  He loved every single little treasure in his stocking but his favorite was a sucker that I had stuck in there to hide from him one day and had totally forgotten about. I found a surprise in mine too. Several weeks ago, a little necklace with two birds arrived in our mailbox. I had ordered it not long after finding out we were expecting baby #2. I stuck it in my stocking and had totally forgotten about it. I laid it to the side after finding it and B found it soon after and wanted to put it on me. I let him and it was a sweet reminder. Next we told him he could open his presents. He saw there were three boxes under the tree so he handed one to daddy and one to mommy and kept one for himself. It was seriously the sweetest thing that he thought we each had one present under the tree and he couldn't believe it when I told him all three presents were actually for him! He was super impressed to be getting 'all those' presents. I love that. He got a backpack, a vacuum and a shaving kit. Again, he played with each one for several minutes before moving on to the next one. Even though we only had a few presents under the tree, we savored the gift opening and let it last as long as he wanted. It was perfect.

Leon Christmas. B took a nap in the car (thankgoodness) and we headed to Leon for the rest of Christmas day. We had lunch with our family and B got way too many gifts. His favorite were his snow shovel and a train set. He also got some new cars that he's been packing ALL over in his new backpack and even more tools for his new tool bench. He's been playing non-stop with all of his new toys since he got them. We had a snowman building contest (making toilet paper snowmen, not with real snow) and Mo & I won. We were also teammates for Cranium and we won pretty big there too. :)

Other favorite Christmas moments: 

B was SO excited about Santa coming (we aren't sure where he figured that out but most likely tv? again with the great parenting I know...). One day while we were downstairs playing, we heard daddy coming in the door. He got SO excited and said, 'Santa Claus??!!' He ran up the stairs to see Santa. When he realized it was daddy he laid his head down on the floor and started crying, 'Oh no, it's not Santa.' I felt pretty bad for R but it was so funny.

On Christmas day, B climbed up in the chair next to my mom and asked her, 'Did YOU see Santa Claus???' He has the sweetest little voice and it was the cutest thing.


When we went to visit Santa at Bass Pro and it was B's turn in line, I asked him if he wanted to go see Santa. He said, "Sure!" and ran right up to Santa and gave him a big hug. Everyone in line (and all of Santa's elves) said a collective, 'awwww' (and B's mommy thought it was pretty sweet too). Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he whispered, 'train tracks!' Unfortunately, Santa's helpers had already found the tool bench and didn't get the trains. B did get that train from his grandma though and he and his daddy (and mommy and whoever else he can talk into it) spend a lot of time sitting at the tree watching the train.

B loved Jolly Holiday Lights. We finally turned him forward facing in the car (he'd been rear until this night) and it was the most magical thing ever. He loved seeing all the 'yights' and told us what everything was. He may have a career as a sports announcer someday cause his play by play action calling is pretty great.

On Christmas evening, B was having a hard time going to sleep at grandma's house so R & I laid in bed with him. In the night, I was dry heaving from all the pain I was in. B leaned over to rub my back and whispered, 'It's okay mama, don't be scared.' Then a little bit later he said, 'I'll go get daddy.' (Daddy had bailed on the family bed and went to sleep on the couch.) It was the sweetest thing ever and such a sweet reminder of how blessed we are.

B was not interested in the handprint ornaments that I super love but I did convince him to make some cinnamon/applesauce ornaments. I tried to get him to use some 'Christmasy' ornaments but he insisted on using only the cross. Have you heard the song, 'It's About The Cross?' Maybe B has. And I love our cross ornament he made for me.

B picked out two ornaments this year for his tree. One was a train (his newest obsession since visiting Santa) and another a Buzz Lightyear. Unfortunately, Buzz's arm busted off right after getting him out of the box so we decided he would be a Toy Story 1 Buzz. Then we got home and realized he was a Spanish speaking Buzz making him from Toy Story 3 instead. Oops...

B super loved Advent because he got to open a gift each day. They were tiny gifts (like suckers, stickers, and other random things from around the house) but he loved it. Then today he asked if he could open a present and wanted to know where all the presents were (I swear we only gave him THREE for Christmas but he obviously got super spoiled this month). He helped me wrap up a little thing of play doh and was so excited to open it. Silly boy.

And because no Christmas post is good without an Ugly Sweater... Ugly Sweater Bunco.... You may or may not of noticed no ugly sweaters were harmed in the making of this year's Christmas card. I say 'may not of' because for the second year in a row I did a really bad job of getting all of our cards out. I still have some on my desk if you'd like one. ;)

Merry Christmas!

I was afraid to close my eyes last night. I was afraid to close my eyes because I knew what I would see when I did. I was right. All I see when my eyes close is that tiny, perfect looking baby.

I prayed for God to let me know for sure if our baby was a boy or girl. R and I both have thought we've known for a few weeks but I want confirmation. I'm still waiting on that. 

I was afraid to wake up this morning. I was worried that my first thought would be that my baby was dead. It wasn't. My first thought was that its 'Christmas Eve.' Followed by, 'it's Christmas Eve and my baby is dead.' How pleasant. 

A miscarriage at 6 weeks feels like a period. When you miscarry at 6 weeks you may not even know its happening (I didn't until after). When you lose your baby in the second trimester, you're having a baby. I was already showing. My uterus was moving up in my abdomen.  I had timed contractions (stronger than when I had B). I felt when it was time to push. The after care is very similar (though my uterus has a lot less shrinking to do). And my abdomen went from being a solid pregnant belly to the grossly, bumpy postpartum belly. Nobody likes their postpartum belly but it's harder to bear when you don't have a baby to snuggle. Also the hormones and pregnancy symptoms are still there but when you have cravings or food aversions and you aren't pregnant or breast feeding, I can't imagine anyone cares. 

Everyone will tell you its not your fault. Its nothing you did. You couldn't have prevented it. These things happen. But that's not true. If that were true, there wouldn't be a list a mile long of things you should and shouldn't do while pregnant. Things you should and shouldn't eat. Bloodwork you should be following. 

I told R early on I wanted to wait until our ultrasound before telling people. I wanted to go in earlier but we didn't have maternity insurance and it was going to cost over $600 so we waited. 

The app on my phone told me when all of our baby's vital organs had formed and what great news that was for a healthy pregnancy. I still had that feeling. 

Early on I went to have my thyroid tested. I went to my regular dr that my prescription is under. I waited an hour past my appointment time (an hour! with a restless toddler!) for the lab tech to even see me only for her to tell me I didn't need it tested and they could just call in a refill for me. I asked her to please check it. I told her I was pregnant. I explained to her that last time I was pregnant they told me to have it checked early on and every trimester to make sure its on track. She went to ask the dr. She told me if that's the case I should have my ob check it. I was too embarrassed to tell her I didn't have maternity coverage so I left. 

I should have stayed. I should have insisted. But I walked out with a feeling of guilt I couldn't shake. 

Every time my app mentioned thyroid issues causing major problems with the baby or miscarriages, I felt guilty. I knew I should go get it checked but I didn't. 

They'll tell you its not your fault and its nothing you did or didn't do but it could have been. What they should tell you is there's no way to know. There's no way to know if its something that could have been prevented but you're gonna feel like there was something you should or shouldn't have done and that pain is gonna hurt deep. Its gonna make you feel like a horrible mother. I'm not sure how to get over that hurt but right now I'm just praying for God's grace and mercy. 

december 23

Its December 23rd. We arrive home from the Dr to see my Christmas presents at the front door. Normally I'd be ripping into them but not today. Today is different. I know what's in the packages and I never want to open them. Not today. 

Today I saw my baby. I birthed my 16 week old baby right there in the bathroom of the Dr's office. It was so tiny. But so perfect looking. And so heartbreaking to see there in it's tiny little sac. 

The Dr tells me this is rare. He says its uncommon to get this far. But he says what is happening is good news. My body is healing itself and I won't need surgery. This is so good he says. All I can think about is how in the world this man got a medical degree. What my body is doing right now is most decidedly not good. It's not healing. Its torture. Its awful. Its cruel. Once I start tuning him out, all I can think about is that the longer this visit goes the more I'm paying him. With no maternity insurance, the bill keeps getting higher by the second. I ask him to stop talking. I immediately feel like a jerk. I keep my mouth shut for the ultrasound and bloodwork and follow up visit. But other than when the us tech tells me my uterus is now empty (again acting like that's good), I'm still thinking about the bill. 

I don't want to tell anyone. I don't want to have to talk about it to anyone. So I decide, instead, to tell everyone here. 

Tomorrow is December 24th. And then the 25th. I want to have a special Christmas with Rusty and Beckett. I don't want it to be burdened with sadness and loss. I don't want people telling me they are sorry and asking what they can do. I don't want people telling me its His plan. I don't want Christmas tarnished by pain. I want it to be magical and fun. Because that's what Christmas is for a healthy two year old boy that dreams of Santa Claus visiting and can't get enough of watching his train drive around the Christmas tree and asks to open presents anytime he gets a chance. 

As for those presents of mine by the door, I don't want them. I don't want the maternity clothes and the waiting on baby #2 ornament. I'll take hugs and kisses from my healthy boys instead. 

Merry Christmas. 

Happy Bloggiversary!

The Hickstionary started FIVE years ago with this little post right here. There wasn't much to it at the time but since the year was coming to an end, there's a nice little recap of 2008's events. It was a big year for us as we (finally) honeymooned in Hawaii, spent lots of time with friends and family, oh yeah- and we built a house. Having the blog to look back at life (that year and every year since) has been awesome. When I've stepped away from it, I miss it dearly. I remember returning to it with a renewed sense of it's purpose- to help us record this blessed life. 

Thanks for hanging out with us along the way! Happy blogging, friends!

crazy/good day

Today was a crazy/good day.

It wasn't exactly as I planned it to be but crazy/good days usually aren't.

Yesterday was a long day. A long (good) day made longer by a surprise crashed car. No worries- it was parked on the side of the street. The driver of the other car wasn't hurt (I assume I guess?) either. But little blue may not recover from this one. And she needed a lot of attention today between insurance people and tow truck people and rental car people.

So those plans for today- they didn't exactly go as planned.




Once in awhile someone will tell me what a nice job I do at hosting parties. I generally (very humbly and modestly, of course) nod in agreement and say, yes, yes I am.

Oh I'm totally kidding.

The only way I can ever pull off any type of shindig is by recruiting a long list of helpers (Jen, Jill, Erin, etc, etc, etc have all helped plan shindigs for me) and my biggest helper is R. He is typically the brunt behind my big ideas. And with him being way busy with little blue (and two basketball games) I was a little in over my head today.

It wasn't too bad until I was in over my elbows (literally) in melted chocolate when I realized the peppermint flavoring was not so much pepperminty anymore (actually it was straight up alcohol based on the smell of it...). R did take time of his busy day to go on a peppermint hunt for me but the halt in production (and melted chocolate all over the place) left me in a bit of a mess. Thankfully we had some unexpected visitors show up at the door who took pity on me and grab spoons and rolling pins and started working. Then when our neighbor stopped by I begged him to send his wife over to work (thanks Bethany) and somehow we pulled off  another crazy/good shindig.

Oh. Yeah.

The point of this post.

Craft Night!!!  This was number 7 maybe? 8? I can't remember how many years we've been doing them but for awhile now. (Okay, I actually have no clue.)

I've learned a few things over the times and this was the lowest stress level I've had a craft night yet (well once everyone showed up to finish all my jobs to actually get ready for craft night that is). ;)

Jill & I got together awhile back to do some practice crafts and finish all of ours ahead of time so we could just help everyone else out tonight and not stress about our own projects. It was the best idea ever.

So there wasn't as much crafting this time (for me anyway) but there was lots of food and treats and good times. My favorite part of shindigs is always when they are over and a small group stays behind because they know I'm not ready for the party to end. Those chats and laughs are always my fave.


Yep. Today was crazy/good.

Advent

Confession: Growing up, I didn't really know what an advent calendar was. And by 'didn't really know' I mean I had never heard of it before. I grew up in a Baptist church. Is this common? Did you have an advent calendar? Is it something I should have known about before seeing them in Target as an adult and thinking they were cute and having no idea what they were? Is that weird?

Okay. Confession time is over. 

Fast forward to 12/1/13 and we have an advent calendar. 

Our church is really focusing on the advent season more than before this year and B is at an age where he's starting to understand more and will actually sit (for a bit) and listen to us read. Plus he loves little treats and surprises. So it seemed like a perfect year to start the advent calendar at our house. 

We went quick, easy and cheap. 

The treats are a combination of notes (of fun things to do or nice things to do for someone else), little trinkets found around the house (stickers, cars and other small toys), toothbrushes (because the kid is obsessed) and treats (okay fine- suckers- the kid loves suckers more than toothbrushes). I wrapped up a package of popcorn with a note to have family movie night and also a couple of Christmas books to read ('Twas the Night Before Christmas for the 24th of course). 

R grabbed a stick out of the field for me. The string and wrapping paper we had laying around the house. 

Total cost: $0

B's reaction to today's 'sucker present': priceless. 

For the actual advent part I searched advent for toddlers. I found one called 'Advent for the very young' that we've been reading (with some modifying) and it's okay but would love to know if you've found a better one for toddlers! 

So what say you? Advent calendar? No advent calendar? 

P.S. Fine. One more confession. One of the advent cards listing nice things to do might say give your mom a back rub. Maybe.