I prayed for God to let me know for sure if our baby was a boy or girl. R and I both have thought we've known for a few weeks but I want confirmation. I'm still waiting on that.
I was afraid to wake up this morning. I was worried that my first thought would be that my baby was dead. It wasn't. My first thought was that its 'Christmas Eve.' Followed by, 'it's Christmas Eve and my baby is dead.' How pleasant.
A miscarriage at 6 weeks feels like a period. When you miscarry at 6 weeks you may not even know its happening (I didn't until after). When you lose your baby in the second trimester, you're having a baby. I was already showing. My uterus was moving up in my abdomen. I had timed contractions (stronger than when I had B). I felt when it was time to push. The after care is very similar (though my uterus has a lot less shrinking to do). And my abdomen went from being a solid pregnant belly to the grossly, bumpy postpartum belly. Nobody likes their postpartum belly but it's harder to bear when you don't have a baby to snuggle. Also the hormones and pregnancy symptoms are still there but when you have cravings or food aversions and you aren't pregnant or breast feeding, I can't imagine anyone cares.
Everyone will tell you its not your fault. Its nothing you did. You couldn't have prevented it. These things happen. But that's not true. If that were true, there wouldn't be a list a mile long of things you should and shouldn't do while pregnant. Things you should and shouldn't eat. Bloodwork you should be following.
I told R early on I wanted to wait until our ultrasound before telling people. I wanted to go in earlier but we didn't have maternity insurance and it was going to cost over $600 so we waited.
The app on my phone told me when all of our baby's vital organs had formed and what great news that was for a healthy pregnancy. I still had that feeling.
Early on I went to have my thyroid tested. I went to my regular dr that my prescription is under. I waited an hour past my appointment time (an hour! with a restless toddler!) for the lab tech to even see me only for her to tell me I didn't need it tested and they could just call in a refill for me. I asked her to please check it. I told her I was pregnant. I explained to her that last time I was pregnant they told me to have it checked early on and every trimester to make sure its on track. She went to ask the dr. She told me if that's the case I should have my ob check it. I was too embarrassed to tell her I didn't have maternity coverage so I left.
I should have stayed. I should have insisted. But I walked out with a feeling of guilt I couldn't shake.
Every time my app mentioned thyroid issues causing major problems with the baby or miscarriages, I felt guilty. I knew I should go get it checked but I didn't.
They'll tell you its not your fault and its nothing you did or didn't do but it could have been. What they should tell you is there's no way to know. There's no way to know if its something that could have been prevented but you're gonna feel like there was something you should or shouldn't have done and that pain is gonna hurt deep. Its gonna make you feel like a horrible mother. I'm not sure how to get over that hurt but right now I'm just praying for God's grace and mercy.
