LOTS of things had been happening where I worked that made me feel like I was not where I was supposed to be. Some doors in my life were closing and others were opening and they all pointed to me changing my life direction for a time. I said no. And no. And no again. I kept telling God 'no' because I had ALWAYS wanted to be a teacher and I had the perfect teaching set up. I loved my curriculum, my classroom and my kids. It was the only thing in my life I ever felt like I was really good at- I would have been so stupid to walk away from it. As much as I told God 'no,' He patiently kept telling me 'yes.' In February, I compromised and requested a leave of absence for the following school year. It was granted.
Meanwhile, R&I had been wanting babies. Lots of them but we decided we would be happy with just a few if that was God's plan for us. Previous medical history did not bode well with this plan but we were both wanting to adopt anyway so we were okay with that. We sought adoption but the doors kept closing. Upon R's request, I reluctantly went to the Dr. But I told him 'no' as well. 'No, I wasn't going to have fertility treatment.' 'No, I don't want your medicine or procedures.' I just wanted to know what was physically (not reproductively speaking- I had just been feeling 'off' for 10 years) wrong with me. He diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and put me on a pill that cost $1.20 a month. I saw a chiropractor for the first time in my life and she informed me that I was (literally) out of line (everywhere). After years of wanting to be parents, we were pregnant within a matter of weeks.
In fact, remember that leave at work I had requested? I only requested it because God stopped allowing me to say no. We were pregnant at the time but didn't know it. (Oh but God did.) In fact, I probably wouldn't have taken it had we known we were pregnant because, as I'm sure you know, babies are expensive and then they grow up to be expensive kids. 'We wouldn't be able to afford to have a baby on R's income alone.' Surely God knew that.
Over the summer, Baby H kept growing and I kept working. We had a scare in early July. I remember being admitted into the birthing unit and asking God 'Why are we here? What is the purpose of this happening right now?' I. just. didn't. get. it.
School started. It was tough. Really tough. I had anticipated being sad and missing the kids (that laugh at all my jokes and make me feel so needed). I did not anticipate feeling so down on myself. I felt like I was not contributing anything to society by cleaning my kitchen and editing people's pictures. I didn't feel like I was making a difference and immediately decided there was no way I could stay home. I questioned God's will even though we had prayed about this scenario for years.
In just a few short days, God was out to hit me over the head again show me that I could do it. First, He sent me a series of emails using some amazing clients (new friends, really) of mine to tell me what a blessing I was to them. Who knew that was even possible in a 45 minute photo session?
Then, as we were sitting at a routine prenatal appointment, our Dr's generally cheerful demeanor changed. She got real serious and started talking to us about preeclampsia. She told us the complications of it, especially with onset before 32 weeks. Several hours of testing and another Mercy admit wrist band to add to my collection later, and what she suspected was confirmed.
As I talked to the Dr this morning, I wasn't sad or scared about the outlook one bit. Instead, I had an 'a ha' moment. And God was smiling down on me saying, 'See child, I told you so.'
'I told you you wouldn't go to work this year. I told you your job was at home for this season. I told you this summer to slow down. I told you My timing is perfect.'
'My timing is perfect.'
And this slow learner is seeing a little bit more of that big picture today and feeling so blessed.
So blessed indeed.
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