I feel like any post about potty training needs that disclaimer. Another disclaimer: This is totally not a brag post. It's just a topic I get asked A LOT about and wanted to have all the info in one place. There's a lot of info & commentary here. Feel free to skip to the bold points. Disclaimer #3: I hesitate to even put his ages for each part on here. The age thing will vary hugely by each child. The most important thing isn't paying attention to their age, but their signs of readiness. Lot's of kids are potty trained by 18 months or before so don't feel like it's too early to start. Lots of other kids aren't potty trained till closer to four so don't be discouraged either. Also, not a disclaimer but I feel like this is where I should ask for your prayers that this post does not jinx us and ensure that we have days of accidents ahead. It's totally okay to pray about that, right? :)
how not to potty train your toddler:
B.K. (that's before kids) I'm not sure I ever used the word 'poop' in public. Now it seems to be a weekly, if not daily, topic of conversation. It may be the thing that surprised me the most about parenthood.
But I'm jumping WAY ahead...
The other day, I posted this pic on instagram and explained why B was still going to the no pants party (more on that later) even though he was potty trained. That comment ensued no less than 15 messages about his potty training experience so I figured it'd be easiest to blog about it.
He started potty training himself around 18 months. We bought him a potty chair super early because I'd heard its good to just always have it around so they are used to it and it's there in case they show interest. (I always heard you should sit them on it with their diaper on when you could tell they were having a bowel movement. B is a sneaky pooper so we didn't do much of that.) He would occasionally check it out and often want to sit on it. This shot (around 17 months) was one of the first times he sat on it for awhile. He grabbed the book all on his own. How do they know these things?
So around that time, he decided he wanted to start going on the potty. I was so NOT ready to potty train (yes, I should just kick myself for that thought now). We let him go when he wanted to but didn't jump on the potty training bandwagon just yet. MISTAKE #1 we didn't follow the rule: WHEN THEY ARE READY TO TRAIN, GO FOR IT. And don't just go for it. Go all in. I know this rule too so I have no excuse for breaking it. But in my defense, I'd had my gallbladder out not long before this and was just lazy. Eh.
So occasionally he'd go on the potty (and almost always after waking up in the am, before and after nap, before bath time and before bed- those are prime time potty times! take advantage of them!). At this point he was sitting down and using the 'point it down' method. I worked the two year old daycare circuit for four years and the method worked there so why mess with a good thing? It worked super awesome great until... his friend screamed, 'eww gross yuck' at the potty while he was sitting on it. And he almost fell in. MISTAKE #2 we didn't do: IF YOU'RE NOT USING A POTTY CHAIR, STICK THEM ON THE POTTY BACKWARDS. Again. Another tried and true rule I know. It gives them stability, it keeps the (boys') pee in the potty. And they don't get the living daylights scared out of them by almost falling in. Aye yi yi. This is where our potty training took a screeching halt.
It was a super, crazy long time (okay like a few months) before he was ready to try again. He came home from his friends' house (where he'd watched all his friends pee) and asked to use the potty. (This is huge for kids. If you have friends with potty trained kids who don't mind the audience, let your kid watch.) Ummm YES! Yes, you can! So I took him and he went. The following week was more of the same. We didn't want the potty training bandwagon to leave us behind this time so we jumped on as fast as we could. We started with the no underwear method. For two days he was undressed from the waist down and I set the time for 30 minutes. I took him every 30 minutes and he tried to go. If he didn't go, I'd take him back in 5 minutes. If he did, we'd try again in 30. These times stretched to 40, then 50 and eventually 60 as the day went on but shrunk back down to 30 after prime drinking times. He had lots of success in a short amount of time. We went shopping and picked out special underwear and even a special toy he could have once he pooped on the potty. We didn't make big deals out of accidents but we didn't tell him they were okay either. We just said something like, 'oh yes, you had an accident. next time you need to get to the potty and go in the potty.' For a few weeks, we used the time method while out and about or when friends were over (at that point he wouldn't ask to go in those situations) but otherwise, we relied on him to tell us when he needed to go. There were some accidents during that phase but I really wanted him to learn that he needed to be responsible for telling us when he had to go. After a couple weeks of that, I really wanted to take this to the road. We started putting him in underwear for longer outings too (we'd previously been sticking a diaper on him for these trips which is MISTAKE #3 but thankfully not a mistake we paid for). He got better at asking to go potty in these situations. Since Feb 1st, we've had an outing every single day (I told you I wanted to take this to the streets) and he's really starting to master the telling us when he has to go even if he's playing and having fun. At this point if it's been two hours or more, we stop the fun and have him try to go. (Shortening that time if it's soon after drinks.)
At this point we were using one diaper a day (I put one on him for nap, it'd generally stay dry so I'd reuse it for bedtime- is that gross?) and nearly zero accidents. I felt pretty confident in saying he was 'potty trained.'
But.
We were missing a HUGE piece.
Remember how I said he was afraid to sit on the potty? Well we still hadn't fully gotten over that. He decided it was way better to stand to pee. (I dreaded this at first because we trained all the daycare kids as sitters so this was new territory for me. Once we figured out how to do it in public restrooms,* I'm actually thankful he's a stander and doesn't have a touch a single thing when I take him to the bathroom.) We started using the seat of his potty chair on the big toilet and encouraging him to spend some time sitting on the potty and 'trying' to go. We had his stuffed animals 'go' on the potty. We let him watch as many people go that would let him. MISTAKE #4 WE BRIBED HIM WITH A TOY TO SIT ON THE POTTY. We let him pick out a special toy and told him if he pooped on the potty he could have it. That wasn't working so we started letting him play with it while he was sitting on the potty, 'trying' to go. Well that turned into him wanting to sit on the potty just so he could play with his treasure chest. Doh. We'd never bribed him before and this was new territory for us. We clearly weren't good at it. He was way outsmarting us at this point. He would wait until morning and poop while he still had his nighttime diaper on before we got him out of bed. We weren't cleaning up accidents but he wasn't pooping in the potty either. He probably thought I would forget about worrying about it and I almost did...
Finally, I decided one day he was going to poop on the potty. I was done with the daily dance of asking him to try and yada dada da. I read this article and thought it sounded crazy but I sent it to R and to my surprise he said, yes. Let's do it. So that morning, I watched the monitor for him to wake up and got him out of bed before he asked to get up. I gave him breakfast, some toys and his iPad and stuck him in the bathroom. I explained to him he wasn't coming out until he went poop and shut the door. Then prayed. And prayed. and Prayed. I prayed even more when I saw this image in the monitor (I stuck the monitor in the bathroom so I could keep an eye on him). About 45 minutes in I was sure it was going to be a bust and we were going to miss our playdate. Five minutes after that he came running out saying potty!! I thought he meant he went potty. He didn't. I took him back to the bathroom. Five minutes later. Same thing. Potty!! I began to think maybe he meant he had to go. I took him back and gave him lots of encouragement to go. Shut the door and prayed again. (It's not fun feeling like you are locking your kid in the bathroom but I figured at this point I didn't have much to lose by keeping him in there all morning. Yikes.) Almost an entire hour after we started, I saw him going potty on the monitor! To spare you the details (and the picture I texted to Rusty), we had success! A little bit of a mess. But success! I felt like I'd won an olympic gold medal and B was pretty pumped about it too! He ran off to tell Dakota what he did and was SO proud of himself! We finally started our morning routine and before heading out the door for our playdate, he said, 'Hey! My treasure chest!' I totally got it out and let him have it of course. The next day, he woke up and said, 'poop on potty please.' MISTAKE #5 should probably be something about not locking your kid in the bathroom but it totally worked for us so use your own judgement there. ;)
Wow. That post got long.
In review, here's what worked for us:
1. Jump on the potty bandwagon when your little one shows interest. Let them watch their friends if they can. The more kids they see on the potty training bandwagon, the better.
2. Have a no pants party** for a couple (or more) days before moving to underwear. Don't waste money on pull-ups. (If they have them on, they'll use them.)
3. Don't ask them if they need to go. Tell them when it's time to try. (We rarely ask B questions about things we want him to do. I hate giving him the option to say no.) ;)
4. Start relying on them early to tell you when it's time. (Accidents will happen. Don't make a big deal but don't say it's okay either.)
5. For the love of all things lovely, don't let them fall in the potty and scar them for life. This will hopefully eliminate some of the 'no potty' drama we experienced.
B is 27 months old today. If you do the math from 18 months (when he first showed interest) to today, that seems like a super long time. Thankfully, we only felt like we were actually 'potty training' for a few of those days so the process really wasn't as painful as it sounds. :)
And finally, as a former 2yo teacher, I feel like I should point out... if you're child goes to daycare, definitely talk to their teacher early on about potty training! Ask about their policy and what they do. It's super helpful for the child to have consistency at school and home.
*My friend taught me to have him stand on my feet. I balance on my heels and raise him up on my toes if needed but most toilets are short enough for him that he can just stand on my feet and go. Genius!
**The no pants party still goes on at our house on occasion. His favorite 'at home' outfit right now is shirt and underwear. I knew it was getting bad when we would go to put pants on and he'd ask where we were going. I knew it was getting REALLY bad when he took his shoes off to get comfy at the basketball game then tried to pull his pants off too (his underwear got caught in the pants and some boy parts were flashed). This could be chalked up under MISTAKE #6. Yikes.
updated: Potty training is a super hot topic. I've gotten tons of emails/facebook messages about this post. I just want to reiterate, it's not about their age. There's a wide range of ages children are potty trained at.
A couple questions that came up...
What should a parent do if they don't agree with their daycare's potty training method? I'm not sure. I don't know that we ever had that issue (from a teacher's standpoint) and we obviously don't have that issue from a parent standpoint. I would probably start by asking the teacher the whys and hows for what they do. There's likely a good reason. I would say it's less important to be 'right' or have the 'right' method and more important for your child to have consistency. If it's a huge issue to you, it might be something to ask when choosing a daycare before it becomes an issue. Anyone else have help with this one?
How much praise should be offered? I've heard lots of different views on this one. Some say to heap on the praise and have potty parties. Others say not to make a big deal out of it and just treat it as it's expected of them. We are somewhere in the middle. We let him know we're super excited about it but we don't exactly dance around and cheer for him... (okay we may have done that once or twice too...) ;)
What about bribes? Bribing should be used at your own risk. Everyone has a different theory on this. As a former teacher, I hate the WIIFM (what's in it for me) disease a lot of kids catch so we are very cautious with bribes for B (I'm totally not above bribing though... you know this if you've brought your child to me for pictures). ;) Some people swear by m&m bribes, others are totally against food bribes but okay with stickers and others skip the bribes all together. It's a super personal preference and one I don't feel comfortable giving you an 'answer' for. ;)
Other tips/ideas that people shared... some I had heard of before and some were new to me....
-If the automatic flush in public restrooms scares your child, carry a pack of sticky notes in your purse and cover the sensor with a sticky note.
-Carry your potty seat in a plastic sack inside a tote bag if your child can't leave home without it. Makes public restrooms easier to master.
-Take a potty chair in the car for long road trips. When your little one has to go, 10 miles to the next restroom stop is too long to hold it.
-Use a cheerio for a target for little boys (we don't do this one but I've heard a lot of people like it. I'm afraid my child would try to dig the cheerio out of the toilet and eat it...). ;)
-Let daddy do the training with the boys. (Daddy definitely was a part of our process but it would be hard for him to take a few days off to do it by himself during basketball season. For us a team approach worked best.)
-Read a book or watch a video about potty training before you start.
Most of all, I would encourage you not to stress over it or give up. Your child will figure it out. If it's not happening right away and becoming stressful for both of you, step away from it and come back to it when they start showing new signs of readiness again. Good luck!!
