the post i wanted to title what not to say

I had a post titled 'what not to say' saved as a draft in blogger for quite awhile. I wanted to share with you a list of things not to say when someone is grieving/depressed/sick/going through a rough time. I probably would have topped the list with never tell someone who miscarried to be thankful for their other children. Because they aren't spare tires. But I didn't.

Instead. I want to share with you how to love on someone that needs it. Because my friends have done an awesome job of just that.

Some awesome ways we have felt loved on during these past 14 months:

1. Listen to them. Bring them salted caramel hot chocolate and just let them talk. Even if they've told you the story before, let them tell it again. It's part of the healing process.

2. Send them a card. It's okay to not know what to say. You don't have to say anything. Just let them know you are thinking of them. A lot of people told me they were sorry, they loved me, they ached with me or just that they didn't know what to say. All of those were the perfect thing to say because they let me know they were thinking of me and hurting with me. As much as I was hurt by some of the rude things people said to me, I was just as hurt by people I thought were my friends that blew me off.

3. Send them a surprise. I seemed to have happy mail arrive at just the right times. Each piece of happy mail was a total God thing and just when I needed it the most. Jewelry with Avery's (and Beckett's) initials, an ornament with Avery's name on it, a tiny memorial blanket, flowers, target gift card, candy, cookies, donuts, finger nail polish, clothes, jewelry, etc- special treats my friends knew I would love- all were so special to me. I felt so spoiled and loved.

4. Bring them a meal. Avery's labor was much more intense than Beckett's (not the delivery, just the labor). It took a toll on my body. Pair that with the post miscarriage infection and the too sick and tired and bummed to get out of bed feeling and the thought of making dinner for my family was daunting some nights. Each and every meal was so appreciated by me but it was also a great way for people to love on my boys.

5. Do something nice for dad (and any older siblings too). R reminds me- what happens to me, happens to him. It's easy for me to forget that so I know everyone else does too. It's been a tough 14 months for all of us and though my boys have been troopers, I know they've needed the pick me ups just as much as I have.

6. Send them $150 anonymously. Okay I'm totally kidding, you don't have to do that. But someone did for us. They sent us a card and $150 cash in the mail. They said it was their Christmas money and they wanted to bless us with it. It was simply signed, 'a friend' and the post mark was smudged so we don't even know what state it was from. I was stunned. I couldn't believe that anyone would do something so nice for us. It was a completely radical way to love on us. I felt like it was a total God thing and it gave me so much hope for good things to come. I sat on it for quite awhile, not sure how to spend it. I ended up using a little of it to buy a set of stacking rings (with Avery & Beckett's names) then held on to the rest. I considered buying something for our home that I could look at and remember her by. I considered using it towards her $600 dr bill. In the end, I got on facebook and clicked every single page asking for money that night and started donating away. Avery's memory gave to people fighting cancer, a family that lost their home, a woman whose husband had been killed, a lady that had suffered domestic assault, and more. It wasn't much for each page but it was a lot. I hope each of those people that we were able to love on with Avery's money felt just as loved as we did and I hope it gave them the same peace and hope that it gave us.

7. Pray for them. And let them know it. My most favorite thing the month of January was daily texts from friends letting me know they were praying for me. Those prayers got me through a lot of hard days. When I was crazy hormonal and puking my guts out in pain, those prayer texts came at just the right time. (And emails and facebook messages, etc.)

8. Give them grace. Chances are they are already beating themselves up for not being a better friend, for not sending a thank you, or for just being...... whatever it is they are feeling. Forgive them for hiding away and being anti-social. Forgive them for not sending out a timely thank you note. Chances are they are more appreciative for you than they know how to tell you. Give them grace.

9. Love them. Just do.


My counselor asked me how I would describe December 23rd in my life. 'Was it just a blip on the roadmap of life or what was it to you?' he asked. I sat and thought about it for awhile before I realized it was a blessing. Maybe not December 23rd per say, but everything leading up to and everything following has shown us just how much God loves us. God gives. God takes away. And He gives. Our friends have shown us in a very tangible way, God's love for us. He's used them to bless us, to love us. He's used this to strengthen relationships, to soften our hearts. He's blessed us beyond measure and He is good.

Psalm 147:3

Thanks for loving on us, friends.


Sidenote: I found/have been sent some interesting posts related to this. I'm posting them here in case I need them (hopefully not) in the future:
-Why Miscarriage Matters
-36 Things To Do For Those in Grief
-What not to say

And then there's this:
-The Truth Behind Love You Forever