We had our baby before Christmas. We hadn't even officially announced baby yet but baby was born and in Jesus' arms before Christmas.
Today we were supposed to be one day past a healthy baby ultrasound and finally officially telling more family and friends. But instead I get to share baby Avery's name with you and the few pictures we have.
This is a photo I had set to auto post to share our big news.
And this.
And these.
There were others too but you get the point. We were SO excited. If you've been around the Hickstionary for very long, you know that we tried a long time with B. So one month when we decided it'd be a great month to have a baby, you can imagine our excitement when we found out a few short weeks later that we were in fact pregnant. Seriously. Someone should have pinched me. It all felt so surreal.
A few months later when things started to go wrong, I was wishing for that surreal feeling to turn out to be real and for all of this to be so very not real.
But when I saw my perfect looking, tiny little baby, it was all so very real. And raw. And painful.
It still knocks the wind out of me every time I close my eyes. I recently saw a friend who had not so long ago suffered a huge loss (her husband) and we were talking about grief and loss and blessings. I told her how I wasn't sure if seeing my baby was a blessing or not yet. I'm so thankful God gave me that one little glimpse of our baby but so far, it's all I see when I close my eyes and it hurts. so. much.
I wonder if it will always hurt. I wonder if December 23rd and the days that follow will always be a painful reminder. I wonder if July will come and go with me being the only one to notice. My friend tells me she doesn't know but she tells me that's okay. She tells me it's okay to hurt. She tells me the blessings are going to come but they might be a painful reminder and hurt too. She hugs me and let's me know it's okay to feel. Whatever it is that I feel.
I get flowers. And candy. And cookies. And my friend just wanted to let me know she cared. And we get more flowers. And the sweetest card. My sister-in-law just wants me to know that she cares. And I check the mail. And there's an anonymous note with a whole bunch of cash. Someone wanted to bless me with their Christmas cash this year.
I cry.
I don't know why anyone would want to do something so special for me.
I decide to spend a little of it on a gift for our baby. We buy an ornament with baby's name on it. We named our baby Avery. We wanted Avery to have a name for us to use once we meet in heaven. And for a second, we thought about using one with a Christmas theme but decided we couldn't find a 'Christmasy' name that we liked. We settled on Avery. It means wise. Avery's life has definitely made me more wise. And I'm sure sweet Avery is already more wise than I'll ever be. We look up alternate meanings to the name. We don't like the alternate meaning (rules the elves) but take it as a sign that it's the link to Christmas we were looking for.
This is one of the only pictures I have of sweet Avery. I had a pretty noticeable bump already but it was still hide-able. Not so much in this picture. This picture was taken the day before Avery's birth day. Me with both of my sweet babies.
I'll probably stop blogging about Avery now. (Maybe?) But I'll wear my new stacking ring right next to B's and I'll remember. I'll remember when I see Avery's name. I'll remember when I feel the phantom kicks. I'll remember when another date is scribbled out on the calendar (oh why do I insist on marking my calendar out so far ahead?). I'll remember on January 25th when we had planned our gender reveal. I'll remember when the due date comes and goes in June. I'll remember on July 13th (when I thought the due date would be). I'll remember every December 23rd. I'll remember. Avery, your life matters to me. You matter to us. I'm a better mom, a better wife, a better person. I'm so much more wise. Because of you.
