Hickstionary

I grab at my necklace, trying to pull it off my neck. Its choking me but I can't seem to find it. There's nothing there. But I can't breath. The lump in my throat grows larger. My eyes start to burn and the tears sting as they come. They come and they don't stop. I can't tell if this emotional low is the pregnancy hormones still lingering in my body or if this is depression. The hormones make me crazy on a good day. And on a day like today? They make me long for something less painful like crazy. 

Grief is a funny thing. It comes in waves and catches you off guard. Things will be going well till it takes you out at the knees and knocks you down again. People ask how I'm doing. How I'm handling life and everything it's thrown at me lately. Honestly? Great. Or at least better than I expected. But what I didn't expect to feel was this sense of being an outcast. Of no longer belonging where I used to. Of feeling alone. People are mean. They say rude things. They don't think. They act cruel. But even Joseph was protected by God after his brothers plotted to destroy him. With every text of encouragement. Every email of checking in. Every meal delivered. Every card of kind thoughts. He sustains me. He reminds me that He's got this. And when my emotions are spent and I have nothing left to feel, I feel gratitude. I feel thankful for the strength and life He gives. And I give thanks.