In case you missed it, I recently blogged about the
financial costs of staying home. After posting, my friend Mary sent me
a link to this great post talking about the same topic. Check it out if you are interested. And just for good measure- go read the disclaimers on
that last post. They apply here as well. (I love y'all- working outside the home or in- whatever your choice, I think you're awesome!)
Today I'm going to talk a little about the other costs of staying home- mainly the emotional costs.
Remember
that special breakfast we got to go out for the other day? Well opening bills on the car ride there sparked the conversation about me returning to my old job but there's more to the story....
When we arrived there was a crowd. I went to check in and recognized the hostess right away as a former student. I did what I typically do when meeting a former student... I do the friendly smile and the extra friendly hello. You know the one- that's friendly enough that they know you recognize them but not so friendly it forces them to talk to you. (I've always just left it up to the kids to approach me if they want to... not every kid enjoys running into their old teachers.) She doesn't recognize me right away but as I check in and say my first name she says, "Wait. Are you? Were you? You were my teacher!!"
What followed was a conversation I hope I won't ever forget. I'll spare you the details but in short she explained to me what her year was like the year I had her and how much I meant to her. She ended the conversation by saying, "I didn't want to get all emotional.... but I just wanted to say thank you."
R, B & I then enjoyed our breakfast and later on our way out the door she just said again that she wanted to tell me what a great teacher I am. "What a great teacher you are."
She reminded me that I still
am.
And so ensued my tally sheet of the emotional and other costs (and benefits) of staying home.
Other costs of working from/staying home:
-The students. I miss the feeling of feeling like I've done a little something to change a life for the better. I do love getting emails and notes from students and running into students that stop and chat. But it's not the same.
-Adult interaction. It's tough to stay in touch with coworkers when you don't see each other regularly and you have less to talk about.
-Professional fulfillment from teaching. Don't get me wrong- I love photography and respect the profession. I in no way shape or form would want to say that photography is an easy job- because it is not. That being said, there's something to say about dressing up and getting out of the house for work everyday as opposed to working at the computer in pajamas (which is 80% of the job... the computer part that is, not the pajamas). I LOVE taking pictures and working with clients, I just don't think I was meant for a desk job.
-Other friendships have taken a hit. This was the most surprising side affect of staying home. My schedule is different now- I work in the evenings and weekends when my husband (and the rest of my friends) are typically off work. It puts a strain on the getting together with friends schedule. Sometimes I also feel like my days mostly revolve around researching toddler meal plans and changing poop filled diapers. I feel like I don't have a lot to bring to the discussion when getting together with my old friends. I know relationships change as we go through life changes but this hit has been a hard one for me to take. Add on the hormonal effects pregnancy, breastfeeding & weaning have had on my body and I've had plenty of hot mess days. (How's that for a friend request? Ha.)
-Retirement. The years I'm staying home are not counting towards my retirement. They aren't counting towards my seniority or any other perk of tenure employment. To be honest, I don't really know what those other perks are...... do you get a watch after 25 years, maybe?
-Socialization for B. R & I often talk about ways we can help B have more social opportunities if I get to stay home with him until he is in school. For now his socialization comes from church nursery, playdates with friends, library trips and other outings. I'm not sure this should even go in the 'costs' category because I do think he'll have plenty of social opportunities but I didn't want to leave it out of the discussion completely.
-Days off. I love, love, LOVE my little guy and I would never want him to think he's a burden. But..... he is a toddler. And while he was an awesome baby and is a great toddler, he still has his moments. He has tough days and throws crying fits that have made me want to join him. It's easier now knowing R will be home to relieve me but during basketball season when I knew there were usually 4 days a week that B rarely even saw his dad, it was wearing.
Benefits to working from/staying home:
-Sleeping in. I'm not going to lie. I'm a night owl and am the most awake late at night but I NEED my sleep. I am a bear without it. (Seriously, I'm talking 8 hours here.) My typical sleep schedule is midnight to 8 am right now. I'd never be able to sleep in till 8 if I worked outside the home. It's a perk that doesn't go unnoticed by B either. I cant think of a time that I've ever had to wake a sleeping baby. (And we all know well rested babies = happy babies, and happy babies = happy mamas.)
-Time during the day to run errands when the rest of the world is working and the lines are short. If you've ever been to the grocery store at the end of the work day you know what I'm talking about.
-Middle of the day perks. Same as above. I can get B into the Dr's office early in the morning (
the best time of day to schedule Dr's appointments). I can eat out at the lunch special prices if I want. I don't have to wait in line to vote. Etc. Etc.
-Not missing milestones. I've said it before- I've worked the daycare circuit and I know the good providers wont tell you if you missed your baby's first steps. I've seen so many kid's reach milestones before their parents witnessed them and I knew way back then that I didn't want to be on the receiving end of the provider saying "Oh he'll be walking ANY time now!"
-We miss the morning rush. Okay I admit... we have a tough time getting us all ready and out the door on time on Sunday mornings. We're chronically late for church. I'm sure we could get better with practice but it's nice to not have to rush out the door M-F.
-Fewer sick days. I'm just adding this because I know it will come up in conversation. B avoiding daycare means he's not catching daycare bugs forcing R or I to take off work and stay home with him. B did get mildly sick almost every week after we started putting him in the church nursery and he also got really sick around Christmas after being around a lot of people but otherwise he's been pretty healthy. That being said- he's not building the same immune system as his daycare counterparts and the bugs he's missing out on now will surely follow him home from pre-k or kindergarten.
-Guaranteed consistent and nurturing care. I know my son will be learning at his own pace and be provided with stimulating activities/projects. I know he'll be loved and cared about. While there are A LOT of quality daycare providers that can do that, I'm glad I'm not currently looking for one. I've worked in centers; I've helped with in homes; I've been a nanny. I know the perks and disadvantages to each and I still don't know what I would choose. I think having a deeper understanding of each scenario makes it more difficult to choose because the list of things a perfect daycare would have just becomes longer. I know if we eventually choose to put B in daycare that it will be difficult to whittle down that list and see what compromises I'm willing to make.
-Time with my growing boy. I'll never get these years back. When I think about the 4/5 pre-kindergarten years it seems long and fleeting all at the same time. I guess it's a lot like high school or college. As a freshman ready to move on, graduation seems SO far away but looking back those years went fast and there's been plenty of times I'd love to have them back.
I'll never, never, ever get these years back and I don't want to miss out on them!
All that said,
it's a very personal choice. It's a tough choice. And there's no right answer that works for every one.
I have a lot of friends that have told me they are better moms when they are able to get out for work and I get that. (Oh I get that.) What about you? Working outside the home or in, were there other factors you considered? What helped you know you made
the right decision for you?
I would be lying if I said I've never questioned our our choice (I have). I would be lying if I said there weren't days I wish I could walk back into my classroom and find my 'old normal' again.
But I'd know the truth. My 'old normal'
wouldn't feel normal at all.
The fabric of my being changed when I became a mom and I just
knew. I knew I didn't want to miss out on all of this. I knew I didn't want to miss the extra snuggles, kisses, and laughter that comes with this job.
And when my baby boy runs up to me for the 1,273rd unsolicited hug and kiss of the day, I know I made the right decision for
us.
