So here we go.
Before I start, can I just complain
again that this is hard for me. If you haven't read
Intro to an Intro yet, go do
that so I know some of my
whining reasons for being hesitant are heard. Thanks. :)
If you've read
my introduction on the Complacency Challenge, you know I was introduced to God at an early age. So you wont read about a single pivotal moment when God swooped in. I guess I'm a slow learner. If you can bear with me, keep reading. If not, come back later this week and I'll try to post some pictures of cute kids and get back to my previously styled blogging. :)
Also, I want to disclaim that there are some people that have played pivotal roles in my His story and I didn't always like it at the time. Telling my His story includes telling a little bit of the ugly. I'm in no way doing that to hurt anyone. In fact, if you read about someone in this story it's because God used them to play a huge role in my life to bring me closer to Him and make me who I am today.
For that I am grateful. And for that, I love them.
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"Does anybody want to share about a time they experienced an ugly cry? (That time in your life you held it all in until you absolutely couldn't anymore and just let it out. And it was ugly?)"
Ha. Is she serious? Who does she think she is? Beth Moore or something? I'm not sitting in this group of women sharing about my ugly cry.
"Heidi, do you want to share yours?"
Really... she's calling me out?!? I suppose I could share about the time I had been away from home for several months only to miss my connecting flight home. And the ugly cry I experienced as I watched my plane taxi down the runway. Without me on it.
"No... I cant think of one."
Driving home it snuck up on me again. All of a sudden I'm 14. I could hear the crack. My head slamming against the concrete. Friends standing around watching. Nobody brave enough to do anything. Nobody talking. Nobody crying. Especially not me. I closed my eyes and waited for it to be over. Blow after blow. I wouldn't cry. I couldn't.
When it was over I picked myself up. I started to walk away. And then ran. I ran as fast as I could. Not trying to outrun the person that did this to me. Just trying to outrun the tears. They were coming fast. And I couldn't stop them.
They continued to come fast for quite sometime.
At first, they came because I felt rejected by the people in my life that were supposed to love me. I started looking for love in so many other places. Some of those places I was looking took advantage of me. I blamed myself. I thought alcohol was a good friend for quite awhile. I believed the lies Satan was screaming in my face. I was certain my footprints were the only ones in the sand.
I continued to play the role I thought I was supposed to play. I was sure I had everyone fooled. Every time my picture was in the paper for an award or good grades, I felt like an impostor. I didn't know who that girl in the paper was. She looked put together. I was broken.
That girl reluctantly went to college. I cant remember for sure who filled out my college application. It was either my guidance counselor or former FCS teacher. I know I didn't. I had no intention of going to school. But at the very least it was a way out of town. As a bonus, my major of FCS education would surely teach me how to be a great wife and mother, right?
It was a rough freshman year. Our family had a lot of medical and other issues come up. I was too selfish, too afraid, too hurt to go back and acknowledge many of them.
One of those issues came up September 11, 2001. I'm sure you remember where you were that day. I know I do. That was the day my grandma, my best friend, my entire support system, was diagnosed with cancer. Again. It didn't look good. By the following March she left life on this earth to live with Him. I was devastated.
The following summer, I couldn't wait to get away. I moved to New York and worked at a camp for children with special needs.
It changed my life.
God had a lot to say to me that summer. Mostly he told me about how selfish I was. He showed me so many children that were in horrible, awful, situations. I felt rejected by so many people that were supposed to love me. But I was helping children who watched a parent kill the rest of their family members before they barely escaped with their own life. Rejection, huh? Mine wasn't tasting so bad right now.
I came home searching for answers. Remember that girl in the newspapers? She was a good Bible Study girl too. She went to church nearly every Sunday (and Wednesday). She wasn't clueless as to who God was and the stories in the Bible. But then again, she didn't really know Him.
The next year of college I really started learning about other religions. By the end of this year I had attended most of the churches in my small college city. What started as a quest to know Him deeper, left me more confused about God than I had ever been before.
I also had some (that may be an understatement...) health issues come up this year. While I have pictures of all sorts of my organs, I don't remember a lot about the treatments, diagnosis, and surgery.
What I remember is sitting in the Dr's office in 2002 and being told by my Dr that I would likely never be able to have children on my own. 'Further more,' he added, 'if you plan to have children, you need to be done within 10 years then have your ovaries removed.' Really? Of course I wanted to be a mother, remember that FCS major bonus? But I didn't even have a serious boyfriend to speak of. 2012 seemed like a long ways off but that was a tall order to fit into my 10 year plan. My life plan changed from wanting 12 kids to "maybe just a few."
The health issues multiplied from there and I would remain to be a medical mystery for quite some time. Again, I started looking for love and attention from anyone but God and thought alcohol was a good friend. I spent a lot of time praying, if you can call it that. I'm sure God just saw me as wallowing in my sin. My attempts at turning it around were half-hearted at best. That impostor was sitting in the church pews again. As the clock was ticking and I felt my countdown to 2012 getting closer, I was feeling hopeless.
By 2005, I had graduated from college and was working my first "real" job. I shared a classroom with the PE teacher. I hated PE. But he was cute. And funny. We started spending a lot of time together.
I remember the exact moment I knew I was going to marry him. We were driving back to our small college town for a weekend. As we were merging onto I-35 at the mixmaster he was talking about some of his inner city Houston kids from his last job. He. got. me. I was sure at this point God had sent him just for me.
We made some moves and found jobs where we thought God wanted us to be (for now) and together, we started looking for a church. In our first year of marriage (and second) we went through more than most couples do that have been married for 25 years. Those aren't my words, they come from our marriage counselor. Well the first one, anyway.
Life. is. not. easy.
There are times in my life when I question God. There are times when I'm so focused on myself and cant understand why God wouldn't also be. Sometimes I feel like He's forgotten me. I was hurt. I blamed Him. I questioned Him. I couldn't believe that He would really allow me to go through hurt after hurt. He must have not been much of a god if he couldn't fix this mess.
But. God is good.
He never gave up on me. He kept working in my life. and He still is.
I may still be a mess. But I'm His mess.
Rusty and I started attending church. Pretty casually at first. We were interested in finding a church home but were more interested in having a church home for our future children. We had no intentions of digging in deep. We started attending a bigger church with some good friends (the same great friend that helped me survive my first 'real' job!). Rusty was happy there and I was comfortable. We stayed.
My life started changing. I was unfriended by some. It hurt. I felt rejection creeping in. again.
But. God is faithful.
He replaced those empty relationships with real ones. He injected some God loving, real friends into my life. I was (and am) inspired and challenged by those new relationships. One friend in particular had something I wanted. And it was obvious her joy and peace was coming from Him.
God worked through this friend, and my husband, and our counselor, and His Word, and so many more life circumstances to restore me. He has given me so many reasons to stop focusing on all the hurts in life and start focusing on things Above. Especially when those things Above are actually right in front of me. He has restored me with the things that really matter.
I really started talking to God. I stopped wallowing in my sin and really wanted to get to know Him. He loves me. For who I am. Impostor and not. I'm His. And I am loved.
I started another Bible study. This time I was really in it. I didn't feel like an impostor. Another friend challenged me to write about it and I did. I learned a lot about myself and God through the process.
I'm still a work in process. God has something new to teach me everyday. My life isn't perfect and there are a lot of things Rusty and I would like but don't have. But one lesson God has instilled in me over and over is that all things are perfect in His time. And He has taken, and will continue to take, my pain and turn it into perfect Glory to Him. He is working all things for my good. Even though I don't deserve it.
I don't know what He has in store for us. And I can't say that it will be easy. But I am Hope Filled and know He will continue to carry me on this journey.
