i am not worried. i assure myself the lump is related to breastfeeding. (i finished nursing january 4th.) i get a reminder in the mail that my yearly is past due. i call to make the appointment. i casually mention the lump. i am not worried. i tell the receptionist so. i am asked questions. i tell her the specifics. i am rushed into the next available appointment. i am stuck in a snow storm. i am a little worried. i wait. i pray. i am reminded. i am a wife. i am a mother. i am a friend. i am His child. i am loved. i am wanted. i am blessed. i am so very blessed. i am alive.
i am rescheduled. i wait. i pray. i am called in by the nurse. i wait. i see the dr. i wait. i am given more information than my brain knows what to do with. i am told it needs further testing. i am given a prescription sheet for a mammogram and ultrasound. i find my boys in the waiting room. i go to lunch with them. i run errands with them. i wait with them. i wait. i wait. i pray. i wait.
i get to the radiologist. i check in. i wait. i see the others waiting. i see the tears. i see the expressionless faces. i am sad for them. i pray for them. i wonder what it would be like to be them. i see the tech. i wait. i am hit like a wave with nauseousness. i hate when the techs get the serious look on their face. i try to read her face. i try to read the screen. i try to look for any sign of anything to find out what is going on. i cant find it. i give up. i look at the ceiling. i think drop ceilings are ugly. i wait.
i see the dr. i am given the okay. i am given the news you want to hear. i have a cyst. i will heal on my own. i am told what to do next but i don't hear it. i am too busy thanking God. i try not to let the smile on my face get too big. i cant help it. i get dressed. i try not to run as i go to my boys. i want to shout the good news to them. i am healthy. i am living. i am okay. i can stop worrying about unpaid sick days. i can stop worrying about who will snuggle my baby while i'm in treatment. i am greeted with a hug by my baby. i am blessed by his smile. i am bursting with joy.
i see the tears. i see the kleenex. i see the hugs. i see the lady in the corner. i see the man with glassy eyes waiting on his wife. i see the woman bawling in her car. i see the waiting. i see them through His eyes. i have a deep ache in my heart. i am sad for them. i feel guilty. i don't know why it wasn't me. i don't know why it was them instead. i feel guilty i'm walking out unscathed. i feel guilty i don't offer them a hug. i feel guilty for getting in the car with my healthy family and driving away. i pray for them. i beg God to protect them. i thank God for protecting me. i am thankful for this life. i will stop taking it for granted. i will stop waiting. i will start living. i will see people as He does. i will do something about it.
i dare you to do the same.
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