I woke up around 3 am. I'm still awake. I cant sleep and one thing keeps playing through my mind.
I messed up last night.
Ugh. I hate that feeling.
I love being given a task and I love the feeling of successfully scratching it off my neat and tidy 'to do' list. (Okay fine. If we're being completely honest tonight, there are multiple to do lists. They are anything but neat and tidy and sometimes I add things I've already done to them just so I have more things to cross off. But I digress.)
I love being given a task, so on Sunday when Pastor Troy gave us a homework assignment, I was up for the challenge.
It seemed easy enough upon first hearing it; ask one person this week if they are going to heaven or hell.
But then he asked us to think of someone rightthereonthespot and write their name down.
I froze.
I wasn't sure.
I ran through the short list of people I would actually have interaction with this week. I was pretty confident all of them were believers and would answer with confidence that they are going to heaven. I know pretty sure isn't completely sure, but I was sure enough that none of them made the list (sorry friends I'm seeing this week- if you aren't sure if you are going to heaven, will you please let me know!?!).
So I prayed. I asked God to put someone in my path this week and make it clear to me that I was supposed to minister to them. I knew it was a long shot because I didn't have a whole lot of plans of leaving the house this week and the act might take God actually sending someone to knock on my door. The thought of Him doing something like that was a long shot. Laughable really. (You see where this is going, right?)
Fast forward to last night. It was date night. R & I set off on our monthly adventure while the little man had adventures of his own with grandma. I had (admittedly) forgotten about the homework assignment and was excited for a basketball free night out with the husband. The night went great (more on that later. ha) and even though we were running late getting back, we decided to make a quick stop at Wal-Mart to grab the last minute missing ingredient for my Valentines treats. I don't know why we chose Wal-Mart. I swore off ever going to the Ankeny Wal-Mart again when I was 9 months pregnant with B. I'm not a Wal-Mart hater, I just don't like that one. So when it was my idea to stop there for butter (when we had plenty of other butter buying options), I should have known something was up.
We bought our butter (and okay, a couple other things) and headed out the door. We had made it in and out of store #892 with no major snags. Success!
And then I saw the cop cars.
They were parked around the front of the store and I just knew one of them was there to talk to us. I did a quick memory scan trying to think of anything or any reason why they might be there for us. Did we mess something up at self-checkout? Had I put my cell phone in my pocket and they thought I was stealing something? (Am I the only one that thinks of this crazy thing!?!) Okay the idea was crazy for even me. I shook it off and got in the car ready to go see our little Valentine at home.
It took forever to get out of the parking spot. We sat there for quite awhile. And sat. and sat. and sat.
Until....
You guessed it.
Someone knocked on the car door.
"Excuse me. I'm not trying to bother you guys but do you have any money? I'm homeless. I live in a tent."
Uhhhh.... I look at R and wait for him to respond. He looks at me waiting for me to respond.
And we freeze.
Now here's the thing. When we are on vacation we like to explore the city we are visiting. Doing so often leaves us in questionable areas where requests like this are common and frequent. We purposefully carry small bills around so we are prepared to 'pay them off' so they leave us alone and we can be on our way.
But here. In the parking lot of store #892, we're caught off guard.
I finally respond.
"Well sir, sure. Let's go over to McDonalds and get you a meal."
He replies, "I just really want to go in and get some hamburgers and buns for $8.89."
And R replies, "Sorry, sir we don't have any cash."
Pause.
Right there. That's when I messed up.
I could have suggested we go in and grocery shop with him. We could have used that time to talk to him and get to know him. After talking to him, we could have easily asked him if he was going to heaven. If he knew for sure. How he knew? I could have easily crossed that homework assignment off my neat and tidy to do list.
But I didn't.
I watched as the man walked away.
I wasn't sure what to say.
So I didn't.
Before I realized what was going on, another man was knocking on our door. This time it was a police officer. He was questioning us about the man. They had received complaints about him and wanted to know what our interaction with him entailed.
I should have spoke up. I should have said he was hungry and we didn't feed him. I should have said you know what, we'll take him inside and get him some food so he can leave well fed and not 'bother' anyone else tonight. I should have.
But I didn't.
As we were driving home, R knew I was beating myself up about it. He told me I couldn't do that. We tried to make excuses for our behavior; 'if he was really hungry, he would have taken the offer for a McDonald's meal, right?' 'well he didn't want the meal so he must just have wanted the money for who knows what.' 'if he really lives in a tent what would he need with hamburgers? where would he cook them?' and on and on.
(Oh and for the record- R kindly pointed out to me that he could in fact have a grill for his hamburgers. Doh.)
But in the end our excuses weren't cutting it and the truth remains.
I messed up.
I didn't listen to the Holy Spirit. I didn't act on the opportunity. I didn't complete my homework.
I had prayed for God to put someone in my path. He did so in a very clear way yet I chose to ignore it.
Have you ever prayed for something then when given the opportunity for it, not grasped hold?
If you've ever prayed for patience, maybe you know what I'm talking about. :)
Life isn't a neat and tidy to do list. It's not about completing tasks just to cross them off the list but only if they don't require me to step out of my comfort zone.
Tonight I'm praying for forgiveness. I'm praying for grace. I'm praying for courage. I'm praying for another chance.
And I'm praying that I'll trust God this time around.
Finally, I promise I wont use this as my easy out to crossing off an item on my to do list... but what about you? Are you going to heaven or hell? I'd love to hear your answer and I'd love to hear your 'why.' Come knock on my door so we can chat. Or you know, shoot me an email. :)
Hold Fast, friends!
And Happy Valentine's Day! :)
